Cameron takes a look at the top-five worst of the worst of week one in the NFL. From long snappers, to a starting quarterback who’s getting paid way to much. All the crap is here.

Welcome to the first installment of HefferBrew’s ‘Crappy Player Power Rankings’. Each week, I’ll sift through the gems all season long to bring you the top-five worst of the worst in the NFL from week-to-week. This week is quarterback heavy.

1. Travis Goethel – If only Jon Condo hadn’t suffered a head injury in the second quarter of last nights MNF game, then maybe poor Mr. Goethel wouldn’t be on this list, let alone number one. Goethel was brought in for long snapping, something he hadn’t done since his days in high school. He utterly failed at his attempts and not even trial by fire could save him the first time.

His first long-snap on a punt skidded on the floor to the point where Shane Lechler didn’t even have time to pick up the ball and was eventually brought down on his own 36, setting up a first and 10 for the Chargers on the Raiders 36-yard-line. It was 10-6 in the third at this point. The Raiders defense stopped the Chargers, who had to settle for a field goal, but it still made it 13-6.

His second long-snap, wasn’t as bad, except for the fact that a blown coverage allowed for a blocked punt; setting up the Chargers again with great field position. The Raiders defense again stifled the Chargers offense but they were too close as it was and the Chargers went up 16-6 on a field goal.

The third long-snap, with the Chargers leading in the fourth 19-6, was yet again botched. Again, this set up the Chargers in the red zone and they again were forced to a field goal. 22-6.

The Raiders defense was okay at best, they stopped the Chargers every time they got in the red zone and the only reason the were able to get points was because of the botched punt-snaps. So here’s to you Mr. Goethel, you can maybe be single-handedly blamed for the Raiders loss last night.

2. Ryan Fitzpatrick – This asshole threw three atrocious picks that I would love to include videos of, but the NFL makes it hard to embed their videos, and YouTube didn’t have anything either. All day he under-threw receivers, he threw behind them, and he threw to the other team. He’s set to make $54-million over six-years with $24-million guaranteed. I don’t think the Bills can cut him but they should at least hire some one to take him out, wink-winkhire someone to teach him how to throw. I’m a Bills fan and I really want to go on a tirade but screw this asshole. He deserves no Bills fans’ love, compassion or fandom. Fuck this turd in his stupid turdy ass. That was harsh and I’m sorry. I promise the rest of this will be professional. But for real. Fuck this stupid turd, and he is undeserving of the beard he is able to grow. Bastard.

Side Note: I totally can grow an awesome beard I just believe he doesn’t deserve his. God I hate him so much. I never thought someone could ever make a fan base root for their team to use Tarvaris Jackson.

3. Brandon Weeden – Last year ESPN and their stat geeks came up with the QBR rating for quarterbacks. It, to my understanding, works like WAR (Wins Above Replacement) in baseball; A collection of the players stats to decide their value. The QBR is a 1-100 scale, 100 being the best.

Weeden’s final line looked like this: 12/35, 188 yards and four interceptions. His QBR was 1.2 and he threw an INT on a possible game-winning drive.

This is either a telling sign of things to come for Cleveland or just an anomaly in what could be a decent season for Weeden.

Just kidding, Weeden looked awful and his season QBR will probably sit in the negatives when all is said and done. I don’t mean to piss off any Cleveland fans with the following statement, but, Cleveland should maybe reconsider having sports teams; if only to save their citizens from years of crippling depression.

4. Ryan Tannehill – Same situation as the guy above, only he went against a top-three defense from last year. So his three interception game on Sunday was a little forgivable. Tannehill at least threw for 219-yards, but his QBR sat in single digits, a 3.1 to be exact. There were few comparisons that were made to Tannehill and the last quarterback the Dolphins took in the first round, Dan Marino. The only comparison I can see at this point is the factor that neither will see, or has seen a Super Bowl victory. Sorry Dolphins fans. At least he looked a little better than FItzpatrick, and as a Bills fan I can for sure say the Dolphins will probably finish ahead of the Bills in the division.

It is a little bit of a stretch to think that a kid who was a receiver originally in college can transform into the franchise quarterback the Dolphins have been looking for since Marino retired.

5. Michael Vick – Since his rebirth in the NFL after his dog incident. Michael Vick has been looked at to be the savior in Philly and lead them to their first Super Bowl in franchise history. With a four interception performance to the Cleveland Browns though, it would appear far off. Vick finished with a 25.4 QBR and the aforementioned four-picks. The Browns were a semi-decent defense last year, but that’s no excuse for the performance that drove a reaction from Vick that was just, “I gotta get out of Cleveland.” Trust me Vick, everyone does.

Vick will most likely bounce back after his poor performance on Sunday. But with an almost game deciding interception for a touchdown, that forced Vick to have to drive down the field for a game-winning drive, be prepared to watch every game on the edge of your seat in Philly. Oh, on this game-winning drive Vick almost threw his fifth interception to Rookie linebacker L.J. Fort, but luckily Fort dropped it.

E-A-G-L-E-S. Eagles, Eagles, Eagles,  will most likely fire Andy Reid at the end of this season and will live a life of regret because of the ridiculous contract they gave Vick. Philly is like Cleveland-light. Great way to start week one.

Honorable mentions: Chris Johnson (will he ever be good again?), The Raiders receiving core, Andrew Luck, Drew Brees, Fred Jackson, the Steelers Defense, the Buffalo Bills, like all of them, except C.J. Spiller, but shit, even he had an inexcusable fumble. Why do I root for such a shitty team. I need to file for team-divorce. 

That’s wraps up ‘Craptastic NFL Player Power Rankings’ for this week, check back every week for more updates on the bottom of the barrel in the NFL. Surprisingly enough Blaine Gabbert and Christian Ponder both had great games and didn’t end up on this list. That won’t be for too long though. They played each other, so much like when you multiply two negatives, you get a positive.

Cameron Heffernan is an editor and co-founder of HefferBrew. He loves the shitty aspect of football so mucha, and he thinks this may have been developed from watching the Buffalo Bills for too long. Follow him on Twitter at @karateparty1 and follow HefferBrew on hefferbrew.com and like us on Facebook.