Saturday Afternoon Wrestling (The Costco-Sized Edition)

Making up for a missed installment last week, Dustin doubles-up on this weeks’ Saturday Afternoon Wrestling so get comfy and grab some snacks because today he takes a look at the Chicago Street Fight of CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho for the WWE Title at Extreme Rules 2012.

0:00-0:33- First off, I love that “Chicago Street Fight” basically means “wear jeans instead of tights” and stand awkwardly at each other as you’re introduced. Also, Booker T on commentary, dreams do come true.

0:33- 1:22- Did I mention it’s a Chicago Street Fight in Chicago featuring CM Punk who’s…from Chicago? Well, don’t worry, the crowd and enthusiastic announcer should’ve driven that point home enough, starting a CM Punk chant before anything has even happened. Also, is there anyone better at playing such a douche than Chris Jericho, he hasn’t done anything but stand there and I already get the feeling the crowd wants him destroyed.

1:22- 1:36- Ok guys, um, bell has rung, the match has started, you can come out of your corners anytime here.

1:36- 2:00- And we’re off, Punk unloads on Y2J as Booker T declares “It’s gonna be a fight.” Truer words were never spoken, Punk pushes Jericho out of the ring with his feet and looks to continue dominance.

2:00-2:35- Whoa, Chris Jericho has been calling Punk’s dad an alcoholic and his sister a drug addict? That explains this heavy onslaught of ass-kicking getting thrown Jericho’s way, thank you for the knowledge Michael Cole, knowledge is power- pass it on. In the ring now- two steel chairs, Jericho, Punk and a kendo stick, take note.

2:35- 3:06- I know wrestling is scripted and elaborately staged and all, but god that has to hurt still. Punk unloads on Jericho with said kendo stick as the blood-thirsty crowd chants ECW. Punk looks ready to take Jericho’s head off with the weapon but Y2J slides out of the ring to regroup.

3:06- 3:20- Jericho tries to run Punk around the ring (all it needs is “Benny Hill” music) and lure him into a dropkick but Punk counters with a clothesline. Dominance has been established thus far.

3:20- 3:50- Another brutal shot with a kendo stick to Jericho, if you’re wondering what the announcers mean when they keep saying “sobriety test,” it’s this. Yep, a field sobriety test on-air on “Monday Night Raw” and this was before it jumped to three whole hours.

3:50- 4:06- Punk sticks a chair between the top and middle turnbuckles and we get a shot of his sister in the crowd smiling in approval. When he goes to punish Jericho some more, the Fozzy singer wisely hides behind the ref until he can rake Punk’s eyes to try and gain the advantage. *Note- This is a Chicago Street Fight, did he really have to hide and obscure the ref’s vision before doing that? Isn’t it anything goes, hasn’t that been what these announcers have been gleefully shouting all night thus far? Oh well

4:06- 4:35- Wait, the bevvy of information known as Michael Cole just gave us another knowledge nugget- 30 championships for Chris Jericho! I would really be thinking that was impressive right now except he just dropkicked Punk and is looking to take control of the match by cracking Punk’s stomach with the kendo stick for a change, his accomplishments can wait.

4:35- 5:00- Jericho dropkicks Punk off the apron, a move that’s still extremely impressive considering how wrong it can possibly go. He then stands in the ring and raises his arm to incite the crowd to hate him even more; a class act and true showman ladies and gentleman- Chris Jericho.

5:00- 5:54- Jericho mounts almost a full minute of offense on Punk, pummeling him with anything he can and throwing him into the timekeeper area as the crowd tries to will Punk back into it.

5:54- 6:34- Their cheering works temporarily but Jericho quickly shuts down Punk’s offense with a headbutt. He then throws Punk back in the ring and takes the padding off of one of the turnbuckles, he tries to taunt Punk some more just in case the crowd forgot he’s a dick.

6:34- 6:53- Perhaps he waited too long, Punk unleashes a flurry of chops that draw Ric Flair “Woo” chants. He’s unable to hit his flying knee though and ends up falling out of the ring again.

6:53- 7:54- Jericho pummels Punk in front of his family in the audience and as he does, he of course as to taunt him “Do you see your family Punk? Do you see them?” Not really sure why that’s a taunt, but hey, what a dick.

7:54- 8:30- Jericho gets slapped by Punk’s sister and before he can attack her to prove he’s a man, Punk comes out of nowhere and throws down the type of beating only a brother can. He rips apart both announce tables and throws Jericho through the one of the table tops, not the table, the table top; thank you again Michael Cole.

8:30- 9:06- In a flurry of emotion, Punk decides now is the best time to take his shirt off, solid judgment. As he goes to piledrive Jericho into the floor, Jericho counters and flips Punk.

9:06- 9:16- “You give Fozzy a bad name! He’s the best Muppet!”- Some fan who just won Burn of the Year on Chris Jericho. Seriously, stop the match, grab Chris some Neosporin for that sick burn.

9:16- 9:42- Jericho hits Punk with one of the announce table monitors and then acts like his back is hurt, he follows it up by picking up a piece of the broken table top and breaking it more over Punk’s back. Prompting Michael Cole to utter the words; “Wood went flying everywhere.”

9:42- 10:05- After a few bitch slaps to Punk’s head, Jericho rolls him into the ring and goes for a pin. Punk kicks out at two and I nearly forgot there was actually a match going on.

10:05- 10:40- Jericho gets Punk in a submission hold and Punk is able to counter with a side suplex. The real story here is the smack talk going on between Michael Cole and Booker T, “If you wrestle like you commentate then I should be fine,” point to Michael Cole.

10:40- 11:50- Punk tries to get something going but stumbles on the top rope into a vicious ass-beating from Jericho and that kendo stick yet again. Jericho then tells Punk to “Look at his sister, you drunk.” Again, not too sure why that’s an insult, well, maybe the drunk thing cause Punk’s straight edge, but “look at your sister” just makes no sense.

11:50- 12:10- Punk goes for a quick pin but Jericho kicks out and dropkicks Punk before going for his own pin, Punk is able to kick out and the battle rages on.

12:10- 12:58- Jericho rolls out of the ring and pulls a beer can out from under the apron, he proceeds to pour it all over the straight edge CM Punk. This is way more sinister than when Stone Cold would do it, he always made it look so fun.

12:58- 13:36- Jericho hits Punk a few times and calls him a “Piece of trash” before going and getting a second beer to insult Punk with, but Punk is able to kick Jericho in the stomach as he does his best Stone Cold impression.

13:36- 15:02- Punk pummels Jericho with the trusty kendo stick some more and starts to regain momentum, he hits Jericho with a swinging neckbreaker and then calls for his finisher to hopefully put the match away.

15:02- 15:17- Jericho goes for his finisher but Punk counters and tries a quick pin but Jericho is able to kick out at two.

15:17- 17:05- Punk tries to hit a top-rope elbow drop but Jericho is able to knock him off balance, Jericho then tries to superplex Punk from the top rope but Punk counters with some badass karate chops, Punk ultimately hits the elbow but still just gets a two-count when he goes for the pin.

17:05- 18:35- Punk and Jericho trade blows before Jericho hits Punk with a bulldog, he attempts a moonsault but Punk catches him on the second rope and impressively puts him in position for the GTS, Jericho counters it once again though, throwing Punk into the steel-chair wedged between the turnbuckles and still, he’s only able to get a two-count as Punk kicks out.

18:35- 19:40- Both men are laid out in the center of the ring, struggling to get to their feet. Punk manages to but walks right into a Codebreaker from Jericho.

19:40- 21:00- Instead of going for the pin, Jericho puts Punk in the Walls of Jericho submission hold, after over a minute of crawling to the ropes to break the hold, Punk and the rest of the world realize that “Chicago Street Fight” rules means no rope-breaks. Desperate, he reaches under the ring and finds a fire extinguisher, spraying Jericho with it like it was an episode of “Jackass.”

21:00- 22:15- Punk hits Jericho a few times with the fire extinguisher which moves the action to outside the ring, after a kick to the head, Punk sees Jericho out cold on one of the announce tables (hint: It’s always the Spanish one, always) and heads to the top rope.

22:15- 23:45- Punk goes vintage Shawn Michaels and Macho Man with a flying elbow off the top rope through Jericho and the table. It’s as badass as that sounds and we get a few sweet replays before Punk rolls Jericho into the ring only for Jericho to again kick out at two.

23:45- 24:20- The pure anger that flashes across Punk’s face as Jericho kicks out is almost as frightening as the Anaconda Vise Punk puts him in after. Jericho is able to break the hold though by grabbing the kendo stick and hitting Punk a few times.

24:20- 25:00- Both men are out again in the center of the ring, they start to stir and reach for weapons as the crowd chants “This is awesome” out of appreciation and respect. Keeping it classy as always, WWE.

25:00- 26:05- Jericho hits Punk with a Codebreaker against a steel-chair as the crowd is stunned, he goes for the pin but Punk kicks out at 2. Jericho is shocked and begins to look like he’s having a tiny mental breakdown due to it all as he taunts the crowd and Punk.

26:05- 26:35- Jericho goes for Punk’s own finishing move, the GTS, but Punk counters by sending Jericho into the exposed turnbuckle and hits a GTS of his own. He gets the three-count and retains the WWE title

26:35- End- We get a few replays of moments throughout the match and then the last images of Punk celebrating his win with his family in the front row for good measure.

Both these guys are two of the best ever, both in showmanship and in-ring ability. This match and this whole feud really brought out some of the best work they’ve ever done, which culminated in this match- the type of technical wrestling that true fans love with the storytelling that’s made the WWE the juggernaut it is today.

This concludes this week’s Saturday Afternoon Wrestling, thank you for checking it out and be sure to keep an eye on all week long for the newest articles and opinions of your favorite fans.

Dustin Brewer is co-creator of HefferBrew. He’s promising a new Saturday Afternoon Wrestling every week now because the double sized one was way more than he expected it to be, message us on Twitter @HefferBrew if you have any match suggestions for future installments of Saturday Afternoon Wrestling using #HefferBrewWrestle or follow Dustin on Twitter @dstnbrwr for more odd CM Punk fandom.

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