Craptastic NFL Player Power Rankings: The Romo & Sanchez Variety Show- By Cameron Heffernan

This week we saw the ultimate battle in futility between Tony Romo and Mark Sanchez. Who came out on top? Cameron runs through his weekly wonders blunders of the NFL.


On Sunday it looked like Mark Sanchez all but had the number one spot on this list wrapped up. Ohhh boy how we jumped the gun on that one. This weekend saw two usual’s to the list find their groove, much like Stella, making room for a few newcomers to the top-five “Craptastic Player Power Rankings”.

1. Tony Romo – I’m in no way a Cowboys fan. As a matter of fact, I hate the Cowboys, as a young child I watched them dismantle the Bills, not once, but twice in the Super Bowl. I however have been a Tony Romo apologist for quite sometime. The guy has averaged over twenty touchdowns a season with well over 4000 yards passing, minus the seasons he has been injured. I’ve liked to apply the idea that it’s his receivers and his offensive line are the ones that screw things up for him, or that his coaches are the ones who set him up to fail. Last night, as much as Dez Bryant and Romo’s O-line were at fault for the atrocious game he put up, it was also very much Romo’s fault as well, you can’t really not blame him for throwing five interceptions, unless your Trent Dilfer, but that guy threw interceptions all the time so that may have been why he was defending Romo on the post-game show last night.

On Romo’s first interception it appeared that Dez Bryant was meant to run a comeback route but continued on a go route running straight ahead. Romo still threw the ball expecting Bryant to be sitting at the 25-yard-line; Bryant was not at the 25-yard-line, Charles Tillman was, he’s on the defense though and that’s never a good thing. Tillman ran it into the end-zone untouched for a pick-six.

Romo ended the half with a touchdown to Miles Austin and everything looked okay.

When the second half started the Bears came out swinging with a 34-yard touchdown pass from Jay Cutler to Devin Hester.

The Cowboys responded with a tipped pass for an interception. Granted the pass was well thrown and it bounced off Kevin Ogletree’s hand and landed right in the hands of Bears safety Major Wright. This was one of two interceptions for Wright on the night, The other was literally as bad as Romo’s first to where he just threw the ball to Wright thinking another receiver would be there.

This calamity of events continued throughout the night, even so to the point that Romo threw another pick six to Bears linebacker, Lance Briggs. On the Briggs interception, Romo felt the pocket collapsing all around him and decided to step up to buy himself some time. There was no time and as he was going down he threw the ball in a panic. He threw the ball straight to Briggs who took it 75 yards for a touchdown.

The whole night was rather pathetic for poor Mr. Romo, he seemed to not be able to keep the ball out of the defenses hands and in garbage time the Cowboys decided to bring in Kyle Orton who ended up driving down the field for a touchdown making the final of the the game seem a little more respectable than what it really was. The idea of Romo being an elite quarterback has officially flown out the window as well as questions of him being the starter in Dallas.

2. Mark Sanchez – This wasn’t as much his fault as it was him going against what could be the best defense in football coming off an embarrassing loss. The Niners were looking to embarrass whomever they’d be playing coming off the stunning upset against the Vikings. The poor Jets were the ones to draw that shit end of the stick. Sanchez completed 13 of his 29 passes for a whopping 103 yards with no touchdowns and one interception. There really isn’t much to say about this game other then the Niners flat dominated the Jets. The Jets had a total of 145 yards, on more time, 145 YARDS! This is a professional football team and they were only able to gain 145 total yards in four full quarters of football. I’ve seen pee-wee football games where kindergartners are able to gain at least 200 yards, 145 yards is damn pathetic. There is however one possible answer to the Jets offense problem.

Tim Tebow. Actually, let me state this in a more fitting manner.


It would appear that the media is clamoring for the Tebow train to get going and that real New York fans could care less. On Sunday’s game you could hear light chanting of Tebow in the crowd but in no way was it comparable to the pandemonium we all experienced in Denver last year. This is why the Jets signed Tebow, to light a fire under the Sanchises ass. Well it hasn’t worked and now it’s time to bring in the miracle maker, Tim ‘Muthatruckin’ Tebow. If the Jets plan on only getting 145 yards a game the man for that job would be the most inept and magical quarterback ever, Tim Tebow.

3. Ryan Fitzpatrick/Fred Jackson/C.J. Spiller – We’ve gone into great detail about how much Fitzpatrick sucks on this website before. He looked great in the beginning and he did throw for four touchdowns, but to counteract those four touchdowns, he did throw four interceptions that turned 14 points for the Patriots but the Pats were already well ahead of Buffalo at that point. On the other hand, Both Jackson and Spiller combined for 62 yards on 21 carries and two fumbles lost, so all-in-all they really sucked it up like a back alley prostitute. In games against the Jets and the Chiefs Spiller had 29 total carries, with 292 yards and three touchdowns. Jackson was hurt in the first game of the season but was supposed to make his triumphant comeback against hated divisional rival the Patriots. This didn’t work out as planned and both Jackson and Spiller were shut down throughout the day. The Bills offense wasn’t the only and biggest problem. The defense is where things really fell apart. As a fan of the Bills I am tired of thinking of the ways their 100-million-dollar defense has shit the bed over these last few weeks. I am however fully prepared for them to continue their bed shitting ways.

4. Russell Wilson – The Seahawks are human again. Awww, that’s too bad. I was totally beginning to enjoy their last second victories and their wild ways of stunning upsets. I’m just kidding. I thought that last weeks Monday Night Football fiasco was fantastic; the fans and the NFL thought otherwise. Wilson threw three picks against an otherwise even-par defense in the St. Louis Rams. It was a close game but Wilson’s three picks happened to be the deciding factor. Too bad, maybe it’s time for Matt Flynn and his $50-million backup plan to step in and possibly save a semi-decent Seahawks team. Or at least to give me another quarterback to add to the list. Pasrt of me thinks this list should be changed to the “Craptastic Quarterback Power Rankings” but what would be the fun in that.

5. The Entire Oakland Raiders Team – They were able to gain a total of 237 yards, but they were unable to score a touchdown. Look, the real reason I put them is because I had a bet with a friend that the Raiders would win, hell I even picked them in our weekly HefferBrew picks. The fact that they couldn’t even score a touchdown against a defense that has given up nine touchdowns in the last three games they played is just pathetic, not to mention that their O-line is more comparable to Swiss cheese than an O-line and that their running game is practically non-existent. The Raiders suck and I have no idea why the hell they’re even an NFL team anymore. Commitment to excellence my ass.

Honorable Mentions – Brandon Weeden, Matt Cassell, Darren McFadden, Andre Johnson, The Bills Defense, the Jets, Rex Ryan, the Cowboys, Rob Ryan, Dez Bryant, Matt Hasselbeck, Blaine Gabbert, Josh Freeman, the Lions.

Cameron Heffernan is co-creator of HefferBrew. He hates the NFL so much right now, half because the Bills are who he thought they were and half because the fun of the replacement refs is gone. Contact him on Twitter at @karateparty1.

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