Craptastic NFL Player Power Rankings: Where We’re Yelling From The Rooftops For Tebow Time – By Cameron Heffernan

It’s that time again, the weekly rankings of the worst players in the NFL. Also known as, Mark Sanchez, this is your life.


So this week was crammed full of a bunch of sub-par performances but none that really stood out above the rest. Maybe Chris Johnson, but I’m tired of talking about him even though he’ll still be a top-fiver. The Niners yet again made an AFC East team their whipping post and made everyone on that specific team look like incompetent idiots. That specific team you ask? Yeah, it was the Bills. I hate football so much this year. So much hope for the Bills this year just to be shot down like an American spy plane over North Korea. Anyways, Let us move onto the ‘Craptastic Player Rankings’.

1. Mark Sanchez – He’s bad. I mean really bad. It’s not that he has no talent, he throws a good spiral, he can get the ball down-field, it’s just that he can’t do either of those things accurately. After a few three and outs and staring down the barrel of a 7-0 deficit in the first quarter. Sanchez drove the Jets down the field, after a Matt Schaub interception, and tied the game 7-7 with a 27-yard touchdown pass. Prior to the drive Sanchez had gone 1 for 3 with 12 yards. On the scoring drive he went 2 for 2 for 54 yards and a touchdown.

After this stellar drive Sanchez went into ‘shit the bed mode’. It was unpreventable, as if the ‘Sanchise’ was driven by exterior forces to be the ultimate in shitting the bed technology.

Sanchez for the rest of the game went 11 of 26 for 164 yards and two interceptions. It’s as if Sanchez said to himself, “Man that last drive was really good. I’m totally locked in and I don’t have to give a shit.” “I’m Mark Sanchez, there’s no way they’d sub in Tebow six times, completely throwing off the rhythm of the offense and thus turning me into big bag of suck.”

Well that’s exactly what happened. As much as Sanchez sucked, the fact that the Jets run some wacky hybrid college option game every five plays (if they’re even able to run five plays, excluding punts.) is why their offense isn’t able to garner any sort of continuity.

This is why it is Tebow Time. Look, Sanchez is a decent quarterback and if you’re looking to win you’re probably going to want to go with him. He’s more accurate than Tebow, he can throw deeper and he genuinely has a better track record than Tebow. But, none of those things apply to the Jets. They’ve become a circus and it’s about goddamn time that you bring out the main event we’ve all been waiting for. Tim Tebow. That is all.

2. Blaine Gabbert – It’s ‘Yo Gabba Gabbert’ everyone! He’s made honorable mentions so many times now that he’s finally decided to move into the big leagues. Honestly, I felt picking him would be like shooting fish in a barrel prior too so that’s why he was kept in the cellars of the ‘Craptastic Power Rankings’.

Gabbert threw a whopping 142 yards on 17 completions, he threw the ball 33 times, he also had, no touchdowns, two interceptions and he was sacked three times for a total loss of 13 yards, which isn’t that bad. The worst part of all of it though? Both interceptions were returned for touchdowns. They were even record setting interceptions. Last week both Lance Briggs and Charles Tillman both returned interceptions for touchdowns. This week they did the exact same thing only they set a record never seen before. Two of the same defensive players score pick-sixes in two consecutive weeks. Thank you Blaine Gabbert, the Bears defense had to of known that that would’ve happened. The pregame locker room talk had to have been. “Okay guys, last week Charles and Lance picked off Tony Romo, both for pick sixes. Romo is a good quarterback guys. I’m expecting at least two pick sixes from you guys again, and at least a forced fumble from the little ‘Yo Gabba Gabbert’ turd this week.” Then the Bears walked onto the field and Gabbert did the rest.

One question, what the hell does Gabbert have to do to get pulled? He’s sucked since last year and he played 15 games and he’s already started all five games for the Jaguars this year. Does he have to kill a puppy on-field or something? I mean he is really bad and shouldn’t even be in the National Football League, and he has 20 games under his belt. 20!!!!

3. Chris Johnson – Suffice to say, he sucks. I traded my girlfriend for him in the fantasy league we’re in together. I traded her Michael Bush, she traded me Johnson. Not a single person in the league batted an eyelash, as a matter of fact I think most of the people we’re beginning to take sympathy upon her and now that sympathy has been transferred to me. Oh, she totally had him when he rushed for 140 yards, and then saw more points out of Bush this week. Oh, what about this week? Oh you know, 24 yards on 15 carries. Nothing too big. Wouldn’t want to stun the NFL or anything like that. I mean for real? He’s getting paid upwards of $8-million and a total of $56-million when all is said and done. He also had a fumble on Sunday but suffice to say that didn’t really matter seeing as the Titans got their collective asses pounded, 30-7. The Vikings do have a good run defense, but nonetheless, 25 yards on 15 carries, that’s 1.6 yards a carry.

4. Ryan Fitzpatrick – Another player that ends up on this list entirely too much. Why is that? They played the Niners you say? I should have some leniency on the poor guy, didn’t you see what San Francisco did to the Jets, you say?  Well screw him, this limp-wristed-fairy is set to make $59-million over the next six years, and even if the Bills wanted to cut him, because he’s such a limp-wristed-fairy, he’s guaranteed $24-million. Let me say that again, and with more feeling. $TWENTY-FOUR-FUCKING-MILLION-DOLLARS-AND-HE-CAN’T-THROW-FARTHER-THAN-TWENTY-FUCKING-YARDS!!!!!!

Hey, but on the bright side, he was able to lead the Bills down the field on an early drive that resulted in tying the game at 3-3. Then, it was downhill, and I mean wayyyyyyyyy downhill form there. He went 16 of 26 with 126 yards and an interception. The Bills lost 45-3 and I am 100% contemplating sports divorce against, what is, hands down my favorite team. Well, at least the team I’ve been rooting for the longest. Jesus Christ man. The Bills suck, plain and simple. They just fucking suck. They’ll never win a Super Bowl, and the only time anyone will ever mention the Bills and a Super Bowl is when they’re talking about how they went to four straight and lost every one of them.

5. Cam Newton – He threw for 141 yards on 12 of 29 passing, he was sacked four times for a total loss of 33 yards and one fumble. He essentially sucked the life out of the Panthers crowd and his teammates. In the last two weeks we’ve gotten the treat of seeing the Cam Newton sad face, plus the factor that this once self proclaimed “Superman” is now more like “Booster Gold”. To end this I’ll give you two pictures.

One – Cam Newton sad face.

Two – Booster Gold.

Honorable Mentions – Joe Flacco, Matt Cassel (Look, the cheering him getting hurt thing was a little messed up, but I know I would totally be cheering if Ryan Fitzpatrick went down. So, Judge lest ye not be Judged, or whatever.) Michael Vick, Jordy Nelson, The Packers in general, The Eagles defense, Brandon Weeden, Matt Hasselbeck, Torrey Smith, The Refs in the Saints/Chargers game, RGIII’s head, and Roger Goddell (for shits and giggles.).

Cameron Heffernan is co creator of HefferBrew. Tebow Time! Tebow Time! Tebow Time! Tebow Time! Tebow Time! Tweet him at @karateparty1. 

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