Craptastic NFL Power Rankings: So Much Craptastic- by Dustin Brewer

With Cameron settling in to his new home and currently without internet, Dustin steps in to make sure the worst of the worst is delivered.

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Yes, it’s true; Cameron is still sidelined awaiting internet in his new place so he asked that I take care of the Craptastic Power Rankings this week. So with that in mind, we’re going to do something a little different with the rankings this week- because of the all-around mediocre play of so many teams, we’re going to focus on the worst teams of the weekend.

Side-note: As of this morning, QB Blaine Gabbert has been benched in favor of Chad Henne in Jacksonville. Gabbert has shown a few positive signs this year but has also emerged as damageable as Sam Jackson in “Unbreakable.” Also, Chad Henne threw for 354 yards and 4 TDs as the Jags almost beat the Texans.

On to the Craptastic:

1. Chicago Bears- All week long all we saw were commercials for the battle of defenses between the Bears and the 49ers on Monday Night Football. Jay Cutler was declared out well before the game and Monday morning we found out that 49ers QB Alex Smith would be out as well, both with concussions. This meant that these unstoppable defenses would be going against two second-stringers, the Bears facing off against a QB starting his first ever game; Colin Kaepernick. Well, it’s safe to say you know how it all turned out; Kaepernick threw for 243 yards and 2 TDs as the Bears defense just shit all over itself. On offense with Jason Campbell under center, the 49ers D didn’t disappoint and apparently were the only ones that showed up; they held Campbell to 107 yards with 1 TD and 2 INTs. RB Matt Forte was held to 63 yards on 21 carries and the team didn’t score a point until there were 3 minutes left in the 3rd quarter.

2. The Houston Texans Defense- Amongst the teams discussed as having the best defense in the NFL, this weekend gave the Texans a chance to stake their claim against the woeful, 1-win Jaguars. However, as mentioned before, they knocked Blaine Gabbert out of the game and brought on the wrath of Chad Henne. His massive passing day came in large part to WR Justin Blackmon having 236 yards and a TD. Seriously, the Texans gave up 236 yards to one rookie, Jacksonville Jaguar receiver catching balls from the second-string quarterback. On offense, the Texans were able to run up and down the field as expected, but the game did go to OT because of Jacksonville keeping it close. That that sentence has just been typed should explain it all.

3. Atlanta Falcons- Another in the “Wait, what are we doing here?” category, the Atlanta Falcons were presented with a “gimme game” against a floundering Cardinals team. In this game, the Cardinals had third-string QB Ryan Lindley play due to injury to John Skelton, the two QBs combined for 70 yards. You’d guess that it was a Falcons blowout right? Well, the final score was 23-19 because the Falcons ran for a total of 62 yards and Matt Ryan threw 5 INTs. FIVE INTERCEPTIONS! Holy shit, are you taking notes Romo, Carson and Vick? The Falcons D also gave up 137 yards to the Cardinals running game, which kept them in the game to the end. So instead of sitting at 9-1 and looking dominant, the Falcons look as flawed as ever and despite such strong early-season showings, still don’t seem like a lock to make it to the big game.

4. Philadelphia Eagles- So Eagles fans, is rookie Nick Foles really that much better than Michael Vick? Cause last I checked, Foles and Vick are QBs, they play offense, offense’s job isn’t to keep the other team from scoring, that’s the defense. The highly touted and overly paid Eagles D made Robert Griffin III look like a goddamn wizard out there on the field. He lit them up in almost every way possible, 200 yards passing, 4 TDs, a near perfect completion percentage and 84 rushing yards. Alfred Morris also chipped in 76 yards on the ground and the Redskins burned the Eagles with another embarrassment; the deep ball. Two of Griffin’s TDs came on a pass of 61 yards to Santana Moss and a 49 yard pass to Aldrick Robinson. So good show ol’ chaps to the Eagles (overpriced and overrated) secondary. On offense, Nick Foles had 204 yards and 2 picks, with DeSean Jackson held to two catches for just 5 yards. To make matters worse, LeSean McCoy suffered a concussion with two minutes left in the 4th quarter and the game well decided. Andy Reid has to be fired right? Right?

5. St. Louis Rams- They were so close. They played the 49ers to a tie last week and looked like they were a team on the rise. But no, Sam Bradford threw for 170 yards, 2 TDs and a costly pick as Mark Sanchez had a “I really don’t want to lose my job” conservative game with 178 yards, 1 TD and no INTs. The real story here is the Jets running game as Bilal Powell ran for two TDs that proved decisive. The reason the Rams make this list this week above the other disappointing teams (Raiders, Chiefs, Lions) is that the Rams were actually highly favored to win. The team went 5-16 on third downs and also had two fumbles lost that put the game out of reach. They put up almost the exact same numbers as the Jets in all statistical categories but the turnovers killed them. To quote Cameron; “Fundamentals son.”

Honorable mention- the Detroit Lions, Matthew Stafford, Green Bay Packers, Phillip Rivers, The Oakland Raiders, Kansas City Chiefs, Darren McFadden, Peyton Hillis. 

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