Craptastic NFL Player Power Rankings: Marky Mark and The Sucky Bunch – By Cameron Heffernan

This week we take some time to honor what has been a truly, and legendary craptastic season from Mark Sanchez.


1. Mark Sanchez – Sucking like this is something that is normally reserved for rookies, veterans who are well past their primes and people who randomly wandered onto a football field in the middle of a game. Mark Sanchez on the season has thrown for 2,436 yards behind a 55% completion percentage with 12 touchdowns, 13 interceptions, and seven fumbles lost.

After taking second place honors to Ryan Lindley last week, Marky Mark has come roaring back with vengeance like the Count of Monte Cristo. As if he said to himself, “someone thinks there’s worse than me?” “No way, I’m coming for that number one spot.”

10 of 21, 97 total yards and three, that’s right, THREE interceptions to no touchdowns. Oh, and he was pulled in the fourth quarter for Tim Tebow Greg McElroy, a seventh round draft pick out of Alabama. McElroy lead the jets down the field for a game-winning drive, all the while, Marky Mark sat on the sidelines and pouted. It was all quite marvelous and pathetic all at the same time.

I would just like to extend a thank you to Mark Sanchez, your ineptitude has been the burning fuel for this weekly column, and for that you are truly one above the rest in the world of craptasticness.

2. Drew Brees – Wow! Mr. 5,000 yards himself? On the ‘Craptasic’ list? I can’t

believe my eyes. Atlanta has been a great team all year, and some of this can be

chalked up to the Dirty Birds’pass defense. But for Drew Brees, the man who once

previously spoiled the possibility of a perfect seaosn in the ATL, to somehow be

able to throw for 341 yards, no touchdowns and five interceptions. That is just

unacceptable. fortunately for Brees though he’s about all that New Orleans has so

I’m sure he doesn’t have anything to worry about. Unlike this next player that has

all the world to worry about.

3. Ryan Lindley – What else can be said about someone who gets 31 passing attempts but somehow is only able amass 72 yards on 10 completions. Lindley is just awful. Plain and simple. The man is a cancer to the idea of forward passing and just general football ideals. The fact that he’s making an NFL salary is a goddamn travesty to the American dream. Ryan Lindley is very bad. What lands him at No. 3 is the fact that Brees threw five interceptions; had he thrown fewer Lindley is easily No. 2, as well as the fact that he didn’t get benched. At this point in the season for the Cardinals though wouldn’t it just be more wise and more entertaining if you just had Larry Fitzgerald throw the ball as far and as high as he can and try and catch it himself?

4. Chris Johnson – Welcome back buddy. You only had 13 carries, which isn’t much, but you did only gain 51 yards with those 13 carries and you fumbled the ball which has become a problem for you as of late. Chris, I only hope that you’re able to get back to tip-top shape as you have been the last couple of weeks. I mean you’re only seven yards away from 1,000 yards on the season. At one point this season, no one thought he was going to gain 800 yards now he’s seven away from 1,000. Good god Johnson, get your freaking act together.

(All of that was from a “I really want to win my fantasy league due to a backwards trade I pulled off for Johnson.”)

5. Phillip Rivers – Oh how the mighty have fallen. Phillip Rivers managed to throw a touchdown on Sunday. Unfortunately it was to the opposite team. He also fumbled it twice and lost one, so I guess there’s a silver lining somewhere in there. I’ve always believed that Phillip Rivers is garbage and I’ve listened for the last couple of years as the word “elite” was thrown around in his direction. He’s not “elite”, nowhere near as a matter of a fact. And if you’d like to say he has no weapons and that it’s Norv Turner’s fault that they’re so bad, that’s fine. Just know this. Whenever we place blame on a teams’ collapse the two places we look are the quarterback and the head coach, I whole-heartedly agree that Turner needs to go, but so does “I throw a football like it’s a shot-put, and I’ve become wildly inaccurate in the last two years because of it,” Phillip Rivers.

Honorable mentions: The Lions (every single player on that team is awful, save for Stafford and Megatron, but football is not a two-person sport.), Everyone involved in the Cardinals/Jets game (easily the award winner for worst football game of all-time, I personally believe that everyone in attendance at that game should be refunded.), The Raiders, Andy Reid and the godawful Eagles, Chad Henne, Christian Ponder and the Minnesota Vikings (who could be a playoff team with the way the Adrian Peterson is playing but won’t be due to lackluster defense and awful QB/WR play). 

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