Craptastic NFL Player Power Rankings: The ‘Cardinal’ Rule of Craptasticness – By Cameron Heffernan

It’s time for yet another installment in the weekly annals of the Craptastic Power Rankings.


The Craptastic Rankings have picked the likes of Mark Sanchez and Michael Vick all year. These players best exemplified what it means to be truly craptastic, Michael Vick somehow managed to turn the ball over 19 times in only nine games. In the case of Sanchez, well, let’s just say that he may be the first, and only player to have fumbled off his own lineman’s ass and subsequently knocked himself out on the aforementioned backside. This week though, something special happened.

1. John Skelton/Ryan Lindley/Arizona Cardinals – On Sunday, the Cardinals entered Seattle with an eight game losing streak and looking to right the ship against the formidable Seahawks. Division rivalries always create for a good game, right? Right? Wrong. The Cardinals were blown out 58-0. Yeah, you read that right, 58 points to zero points on the other end. How did this happen you ask? Well, one man was able to bring such craptasticness to the world of the National Football League and his name is John Skelton, the Kangaroo looking man himself.

Skelton had a mystical stat line that can only be compared to what happens when a man with no arms wanders out onto the football field and attempts to throw with his mouth while blindfolded. Real circus type shit was going on with Mr. Skelton.

11 of 22 for 76 total yards(two of those yards were rushing, Yay!), one lost fumble, and four, yes, one, two, three, count them, four interceptions.

The first INT came on a freak play that saw Larry Fitzgerald get  out-muscled and to which the ball just popped out and landed in the hands of a Seahawks defender.  Not really Skelton’s fault but nonetheless, he for sure forced the pass and deserved the outcome. With the rest of his interceptions though, including his pick six, they were all his fault.

Side Note: During this game, the announcers, and I don’t know who, uttered these words about Skelton, “the next four games are to prove that he’s not just a backup quarterback.” Yes they’re about proving that he’s worse than a backup quarterback on an intermural flag football team.

Late in the third quarter Ryan Lindley came in and he didn’t throw any interceptions he just ended up being the worst game manager in a blowout, ever, and he fumbled it on his fourth play in the game leading to more points for the Seahawks.

The Seahawks lead 53-0 going into the fourth and somewhere in the first, second, or third quarter the Cardinals left not only their manhood on the field but any semblance of being a professional football team. On Sunday the Cardinals became a testament to how far one team can fall and what it looks like when one team tears another’s balls out through their throat.

2. Ryan Fitzpatrick – This is completely based on personal bias. He looked decent all game and he was looking good on what could have been the game-winning drive. He threw an interception and that sealed the deal. It wasn’t even like he was getting rocked while he threw. He just stepped up into the pocket, whiffed on the pass and it landed in the arms of the awaiting defender and it was game over. Thanks Pickspatrick, you’re the best. Asshole.

3. Brady Quinn – Sacked five times, threw an interception and threw for under 200 yards. This all seems like an elaborate plan so the Chiefs get a top-five draft pick and are able to finally pick an elite level quarterback. Like Matt Barkley, you know, because USC quarterbacks exude the best qualities under pressure in the pros, like Matt Leinart, Carson Palmer, Mark Sanchez, Rob Johnson (who Gruden’d his way to a Super Bowl), and Rodney Peete.

4. Chris Johnson – Back to tip-top craptastic form. 19 carries for 44 yards and three receptions for 15 yards. The bright side is that he averaged five yards per catch, the bad news is his quarterback ran five times and garnered 51 yards. Somehow Chris Johnson found a way to reach 1,000 yards on the season though but he still found a way to suck at the highest levels of sucktitude. Chris Johnson is much like a bitter ex. She starts out terrible for a few weeks, then she gets back into the dating world and starts tearing it up with every dude she meets (Miami 126/1TD, Chicago 141/1TD/Two Fumbles, Buffalo 195/2TDs, Houston 141/0 TDs), then she starts partying a little to hard gets a few STDs, falls right back into the old habits that caused your split in the first place, and bam! her hairs falling out and all her friends are turning against her. In this case that’s Johnson and his offensive line.

5. The Chicago Bears Defense – You game-planned for Adrian Peterson, you had all week to figure out a way to stop him, Christian Ponder can’t throw the football for some reason and all you had to do was stop Adrian Peterson from rushing for 154 yards and two touchdowns. What did AP do, he ran for 154 yards and two touchdowns. This was supposed to be the most feared defenses of all time. Now they merely look like old men stumbling around in an attempt to stop the inevitable from happening. Oh, and their offense is a mess. Good job Chicago, you figured out a way to take yourself from the top of the discussion of Super Bowl contenders and into the conversation of how quick will your playoff exit be; if you even make the playoffs.

Honorable Mentions: Carson Palmer, Darren McFadden, Jay Cutler, Andy Dalton, Andrew Luck, Joe Flacco, Torrey Smith, Matt Ryan, Ben Roethlisberger, Josh Freeman, Rex Ryan, Mark Sanchez, Not Playing Tebow!, Matthew Stafford, Drew Brees. 

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