The 2013 HefferBrew Royal Rumble Prediction Blowout – By HefferBrew and Tyler Stickney

HefferBrew, and their resident wrestling expert, Tyler Stickney, give their predictions for the upcoming WWE PPV Royal Rumble.


It’s the most wonderful time of the year for us wrestling fans; the Royal Rumble and the proverbial beginning of the Road to Wrestlemania. This years Rumble sees the return of the supposed ‘Great One’ Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson to challenge current WWE Champion CM Punk. It also features three other matches and a YouTube exclusive match – we all know that we’re spending $50 bucks just to see the Rumble and Rock vs. CM Punk – each of which have title implications. The YouTube exclusive match pits Antonio Cesaro against Reality Television traversed, The Miz, this also could be called the Lennay Kekua match, we’ve heard about it, it’s only on the internet but does it really exist? Anyways, on to the predictions.

Preshow: Antonio (c) vs. The Miz for the United States Title.
Tyler – Oh boy, here we go. How the hell are they going to have a 3 hour PPV and put one of the mid card titles on the line in what is a glorified dark match? I mean, they have four, FOUR matches scheduled for not only the first PPV of the year, but the first step on the Road to Wrestlemania, and this isn’t even on the official card? Miz is now equipped with a shitty version of the Figure four, after he was given Ric Flairs life force a couple weeks ago on RAW, Cesaro is a walking muscle though. This guy has hit the Neutralizer on pretty much every big man on the roster, including the biggest of them all, The Great Khali. If this stuff wasn’t predetermined and it was an actual commissioned fight, there is no way Cesaro can lose to a little twerp like Miz, but never count out the power of “LOLWWE”. Sadly, this will go un-noticed. I truly hope the title won’t change hands on a technically non-televised match, but considering that’s how Cesaro won the title in the first place, it could happen.
My prediction: Cesaro retains. Though I won’t be surprised if Miz wins. He’s on a pretty solid face turn, and is getting good responses.
Cameron – Cesaro is a brick shit-house of giant muscles and nipples. Miz on the other hand is on a very big road to turning face in the aforementioned WWE Universe. No matter that nonsense though, the angle of Cesaro being foreign while also being filled with irony about it is way better than making Miz a mid-level champ. I feel my prediction will be more hope-based then it will be smarts-based.
My prediction: Cesaro will win handily over Miz. I hope.

Dustin – Mike “The Miz” has been enjoying quite the push towards the face side once more as Antonio Cesaro has had quite an impressive run as U.S. Champion and has established himself as one of the best heels in the WWE today. In terms of in-ring ability, Cesaro is a far more proficient and technical wrestler but Miz is certainly not a slouch, I originally had him winning the Royal Rumble itself (why that changed will be explained a little later) so I could certainly see him taking the U.S. title and continuing his streak.

My prediction: The Miz.

(Actual) Match #1: Team Hell No! (Daniel “The Dazzler” Bryan [Danielson] & Kane) (c) vs. Rhodes Scholars (Cody Rhodes & Damien Sandow) for the Tag Team Titles.
Tyler – This is a match I am really excited about. I love both teams, and love all the characters involved. In one corner, we have Hell No. consisting of Daniel Bryan and Kane, it is a team that should never had succeeded since its inception, but has become one of the best parts of WWE right now. In the other corner, we have Rhodes Scholars (Sandow and Rhodes). One is the most Dashing man in WWE, the other is the intellectual savior of the masses. Both teams have had great promos the last couple of months, and have had some great singles competition against each other on RAW. This match could go either way.
My winner prediction: The fans watching. Either team could win this, and people will love it. Hell No are definitively the favorites in this match, as they just graduated from anger management, but they have held the titles for a while now, and two of the most over heels in the business could just as easily take it. Either way, its going to be a good match. Can’t wait.
Cameron – Both these teams recall back to the days of The Rock and Sock Connection and other over the top tag team combos. Either team winning, like Tyler said previously, will be awesome. Team Hell No has been nothing but excellent since their creation, and the same goes for Rhodes Scholars. Whether it be the overt exploitation of anger management issues (which is also an interesting turn, seeing as Bryan has become Benoit 2.0 this was an interesting turn of character. Just saying.) or the general degradation of the crowd  by the scholars. It’s always entertaining no matter what.
My prediction: Rhodes Scholars, it’s time to get over the hump boys, and take that glorious Cody Rhodes mustache to championship glory, I mean, just look at it:
Look at it. It's....Glorious.
Look at it. It’s….Glorious.

Dustin Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes’ mustache are one of the greatest tag teams around right now but their success will be completely hinged on how WWE wants to handle Team “Hell No”; Daniel Bryan and Kane. A lot has been played up of their “anger management counseling” and their subsequent breakthroughs as the weeks have gone on. They’ve also been pretty impressive as champions, with a balanced team that has technicality (Bryan) and brute force (Kane) to contend with any team. So, if WWE looks to keep pushing the lovable yet goofy team, look for Team “Hell No” to come out on top, should Sandow and Rhodes’ Stache pull the upset, then look for a Kane/Bryan feud shortly.

My prediction: Team Hell No.

Match #2: Alberto Del Rio (c) vs. The Big Show in a Last Man Standing Match for the World Heavyweight Championship

Tyler – Wait just a second. Is this for real a LMS match? AGAIN? For those of you who didn’t see it, ADR recently beat Show for the title in a LMS match…On Smack Down! That means they have already given us this match. For FREE. And while the match was fantastic, considering it was a PPV main event on a weekly TV show, I don’t know how I feel about this one. I like Del Rio, I even like him as a face (which surprises even me, considering I usually hate on face turns. i.e. Sheamus) and would love to see him successfully defend his title against the Worlds “Largest” “Athlete”, but I feel WWE may have blown their wad prematurely on this one. Why give us the same match? I hope they do something to take this match to a whole new level, otherwise I’ll be a little mad that I paid to see this one.
My prediction: ALBERRRRTOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLL RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Why give the guy the title only to have him lose it to the guy he beat a couple weeks later? This should be a pretty good match though.
Cameron – All I can hope is that they find a way to top someone dumping an announce table on top of someone in order to keep them from getting up. In all my years of watching wrestling I have never seen something so ingenious in a match of big vs. medium or moderately small compared to the fat-assed Big Show. Another thing on that, “Largest Athlete”, doesn’t apply anymore, it’s a joke to call someone who literally has a three set move that includes him to stand and lift, an athlete.
My prediction: MEJOR EN EL MUNDO!!!! Watch out for the Mexican CM Punk. by the way. mejor en el mundo is best in the world in spanish. Alberto Del Rio. That is all.
Dustin  Alberto Del Rio won the title from the Big Show by knocking him down outside the ring and then pushing the announce table on top of him to incapacitate him. I don’t care if the Big Show has covered his body in titanium alloy like a terminator, I’d pick Alberto Del Rio if his opponent was a velociraptor with boxing gloves.
Match #3: CM Punk (c) vs. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Tyler – And now comes the point where I start to get a little sad. Over the last few weeks Rock and Punk have been building a fantastic feud. Punk is, in my humble opinion, one of the better heels since the Attitude Era. Though most of his title run has seen him as the face of matches, recently Punk has turned his back on the WWE universe. He has weaseled his way out of matches with Ryback and Cena, and now after 430 days as champ (at the time of me writing this) he faces his biggest challenge yet. The “Dwayne”. This match is such a inner conflict to me. On one side you have the most dominant WWE champ in the last 20 years. In the last 6 years CM Punk has gone from “Little nobody on the rehash of ECW” to “Best in the World”. And that’s not just a tag line or catchphrase. In his feuds with the likes of Chris Jericho, Daniel Bryan (Danielson), and even the “Giant Golden Turd” John Cena, Punk has solidified that there is no one better in the ring, or on the mic. On the other side, you have “The Peoples Champion”. “The Great One”. “THE Most Electrifying Man in ALL of Entertainment”. To list all of the Rock’s achievements and accolades would take more time than I have to write about. To me, this is more of an “Icon vs. Icon” match than Cena/Rock last year. And the sad fact is that Punk/Rock have only had 3 weeks to build their feud, while Cena/Rock had an entire year (Though I consider it 2 years) of boring, rehash promos to build on. This will be a much better than Rock/Cena too, considering Punk is the Anti-Cena when it comes to actual wrestling skills. And hopefully Rock wont be winded in the first 10 mins.
Who I Want to Win: Punk. CM Punk is one of the first guys to get me back into wrestling in ’05, and that was based off the hype on the internet. That made me look into the indies, and see who this CM Punk guy is. Since that day I have been into wrestling even MORE than I was before I stopped watching when I was 12. And that’s saying a lot. I got to see Rock live last year at Mania, and as much as I was Team “Boots to Asses” last year, I am more so Team “#Knees2Faces”
this year.
My prediction: The Rock. As much as I am against someone coming back after being gone for almost 10 years, then just getting a title shot ’cause hes “The Great One”, I just know deep inside me Rock is going to win. And as an indie loving “smark” I’ll bitch and moan for days on end afterwords, I know deep down inside me, I’ll love it. I mean come the fuck on, its The Rock. The only way it could be better is if one of the two competitors were “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.
Cameron – Well I think Tyler said it all and Dustin more than likely will have more than enough to say too. Much like Tyler said, It’s the legend against, in my humble opinion, the best to do it since guys like Jericho, Benoit and Shawn Michaels. Punk is a pure athlete and a more than just accomplished pro-wrestler, he has brought a certain legitimacy back to the WWE and what was it’s revolving door, the WWE Championship. The Rock on the other hand, as great as he was, is now nothing more than a one trick pony in a multi-trick pony land. That’s what made Rock/Cena so interesting, can both these electrifying superstars provide a truly technical and entertaining match or will it be nothing but a series of signature moves, minimum 13 kick-outs and a lot of writhing around the mat for the entire match. They ended up hitting all of the beats on the way to the third most entertaining match of that night. This match will call for a lot more out of the Rock, something we haven’t really seen since the “Great Ones” hay-day.
My prediction: CM Punk, you can’t really believe that they’d make Rock champ just so the Cena/Rock 2 match at the next ‘Mania has bigger implications? Oh wait, crap.
Dustin  For over 400 days, CM Punk has been the WWE Champion and, full disclosure, is the sole reason that I got back into watching WWE once again. His blend of in-ring prowess and on-the-mic skills are unmatched by just about everyone. Yes, the Rock can cut promos better than most, but his performance in the ring has never really been described as “technical” or “textbook” two words that come up in almost every Punk match. More importantly, this year the Rock will release 6 (SIX!) movies including; “Fast and the Furious Six,” “Snitch” and “Pain & Gain.” He’s also slated to film at least 3 more this year, filling his schedule with lots of things not called professional wrestling. This is the biggest reason I don’t think he will win; he simply doesn’t have time, he’s too busy putting boots to asses at the box office to be the face of the WWE in the way the champion has to be. Say what you will about Punk’s reign, he’s always there and ready to compete, the Rock just can’t match that, he’s far too in demand out of the ring. If the Rock wins the title and Cena wins the Rumble, then the WWE will lose the respect of at least one viewer because that scenario tells me that the WWE cares more about money and making John Cena the champion than it does giving the fans the best product possible on a weekly basis. In Punk We Trust.
My prediction: CM Punk.
Match #4: The Royal Rumble. (You know, that match you paid $50 to see?)
Ok, this is one of my favorite matches every year. I love the Rumble, and look forward to it every year. Except this year. Why? Well, its funny yous ask. Its because:
Because John Cena fucking wins! How do I know? Because he’s John God-Damn-BA*-FUCKING CENA! That’s why! He had a terrible year last year, and now its time for Golden Boy to get back to his spot. Need more proof? Check out the official commercial FOR the Rumble.
Did you watch it? If not, here’s a synopsis. Its a panning shot of WWE fans talking about who they think is going to win the Rumble, in a restaurant. (By the way, I’d love to find a place where I could have a steak and have a good talk about wrestling with every other patron.) And at the end, it pans up to the back of none other than Johnboy himself, and he doesn’t even say a thing. He just turns around and gives you a look. You know the look. The look that says “You know I’m going to win, and there is AB-SO-LUTELY nothing you can do about it.
Who I want to win: This is actually a hard question. So many names I would like to see in the main event. I guess the better question is who I don’t want to see. As long as its not: Cena, Randy Orton, Rey Mysterio, or Ryback, I’ll be good. It’d be cool to see Ziggler win it, just for the potential of him winning both titles at ‘Mania, with his Money in the Bank contract. I have a wish that involves Rock losing his match, then winning the Rumble later that night. But that is another rant for another time. And as for who I think is gonna win, well I guess you know that by now.
Cameron – Yeah…… Tyler pretty much said it. It’s kind of an inevitability. Cena is going to win this, and there is nothing we can do about this. Nothing.
My Prediction: Cena……Oh god, it’s happening again, he’s going to come back just like Peyton Manning. He’s nowhere to be seen last year, Manning with the neck surgery, Cena with losing everything. Now is the time for the comeback and the eventual championship match at ‘Mania with Cena vs. Rock: Part Deux, the reckoning of the reckoning.
Dustin Before you jump to the “Dustin, that’s two picks, there can only be one winner” these are two alternate picks. I’m going to lay out two scenarios that, if they happen, will concurrently spoil the main event well before it ever even starts.
  • Ryback has been feuding with CM Punk since almost his first day in the spotlight and has consistently been screwed out of winning the title in a wide variety of amusing ways, so, what better way to culminate this gigantic push of Ryback from obscurity to massive superstar than a main event at Wrestlemania where he finally dethrones CM Punk? It’s a great way to continue the rivalry and keep with the continuity of the feud between the two as opposed to just letting it fade out.
  • However, the name of the game in WWE is “how do we get that belt around Guile’s  Cena’s waist?” so let’s look at the flip side- Cena wins the Rumble, why would we need another Cena/Punk match when Punk has straight-up beaten Cena so many times already? Oh wait, we wouldn’t because it’d be Rock v. Cena 2 at Wrestlemania for the title. If you’re an exec at WWE, does that thought not make your mouth water over a table of cash like you were Ralphie May at a Hometown Buffet?
My Prediction: Ryback/John Cena, I’m 99.9% that the second of the two is what’s likely going to happen, but I can’t bring myself to go along with it.

One response to “The 2013 HefferBrew Royal Rumble Prediction Blowout – By HefferBrew and Tyler Stickney”

  1. ” I know deep down inside me, I’ll love it. I mean come the fuck on, its The Rock. The only way it could be better is if one of the two competitors were “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.”-@ Tyler. Thank God your soul isnt dead after all. Nuff said

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