Michael Beasley: With Powers Like Sampson – By Cameron Heffernan

Last night Michael Beasley, a player usually known for lackluster effort destroyed the Los Angeles Lakers down the stretch thanks in part to his glorious hair.

Beasley is to the left. Yes, that bun on top is what propelled the Suns to victory.
Beasley is to the left. Yes, that bun on top is what propelled the Suns to victory.

Michael Beasley has been a ghost in the NBA, once a top prospect of the Miami Heat, drafted second overall in the 2008 draft; Beasley has bounced from the Heat, to the Minnesota Timberwolves and now the Phoenix Suns in a span of four years. Earlier in the year there were rumors that Beasley was to be included in a trade from Minnesota to Los Angeles to better the Lakers at the wing position. The Lakers denied the trade and all of it seemed like a slight towards the former No.2 pick.

Last night, that former No. 2 pick got his revenge over the team he was once rumored to be a saving grace for.

Beasley scored 27 points, eight of those coming in the fourth quarter, grabbed five rebounds and forced five Lakers turnovers. What possessed Beasley to play out of his mind like this? What form of ‘legal’ performance enhancer did this man get his hands on? Deer Antler Spray? Bull Shark Testosterone ? Was he maybe just stoned again and the powers of Mary Jane propelled this man towards crunch-time greatness?


Much like the Biblical character Sampson, Beasley garnered his powers form his hair and he ripped down the pillars of Los Angeles. Well, Shannon Brown was more responsible for one tower going down (Dwight Howard), but Beasley was a beast due to his amazing hair. Let us look back now, on the wonderful world of Michael ‘Sampson’ Beasley’s hair, and all the power it has brought to the first-round pick.

This pick is Beas when he first got to the league. Such a young pup, such a promising young star, such a possible bust.



The next pic, brings you the beginning of the Beas we know and love today. You can almost see the patchouli stink coming out of his pores. The fine beginnings of a stoner and perrenial bench player.

michael-beasley-afro1Now, the trade to Minnesota, and the beginning of what we saw last night. Also, this is the only close up photo of that amazing, braids/bun/cornrows thing he had going on his head last night, but it’s from his Minnesota days.

beaseartestThis next one is the coup de jour of Beas hair and the final in our examination of Sampson…. I mean, Beasley.  Just look at it.

MichaelBeasley2BAM!!! Glorious.  That is it. Look at that thing. All I’m saying is that when he started, he had short hair and was considered a team-killer and a draft-bust. Now, with his wacky long, flowing and gorgeous hair he is on his way to being a semi-decent basketball player. Nahhh… I’m sure last night was a flash in the pan and he’ll be busted for Marijuana pssession again by, most likely, the end of the year. But hey, he beat the Lakers and that’s all I ask, cause screw the Lakers.

Sincerly, from a bitter Celtics fan. Why Rondo, WHY?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: