The opinion of one man (that the editors of this site don’t agree with) on one of the best Batman Bond films of all-time. And how it’s all been a pack of lies.

 

All I have heard recently is how amazing Skyfall is and how it’s the best Bond flick to come out in recent memory, it seems everyone I run into asks me “have you seen Skyfall yet?” “Nope” I reply. Mostly due to the fact that it wasn’t “The Dark Knight Rises” and I couldn’t be bothered with watching anything else at the time.

Now that Skyfall is available on Blu Ray, DVD, Download, and Torrent sites all over – I had to see it. I invited the HefferBrew (Cameron and Dustin) over, who had already seen it, and voiced their (wrong) opinions prior to us watching it. The first 15 minutes of this movie we had nothing but “Skyfall” song jokes to make at every brooding moment, and I came to the realization that Bond movies would be much cooler if they all happened like the warped introduction theme song/music video beginnings. Imagine, an entire movie full of weird cinematics, and quick posing assassins shooting from odd angles. It was fun, but did lead me to one conclusion – Did this movie already suck before we had seen anything really happen? The short answer is “yes.”

James Bond has always been a hero of mine, growing up I was hooked on Goldeneye like anyone else who had a N64 in the 90’s, and could never seem to get enough of Sir Sean Connery being such a man in every sense of the word. With all the gadgets bestowed upon James by Q, and I mean the old Q’s, Desmond Llewelyn and John Cleese. These wrinkled, time tested inventors of countless Bond items such as: 007 Laser Watch, Exploding Pen, Remote Control 740i BMW, Active Camo on an Astin Martin, Under Water Jet Pack, Multipurpose Lock picks, and my favorite – the Bagpipe flame thrower. All of this made James Bond the man we have come to expect, a tricked out killing machine with a bunch of chest hair and more cases of the Clap than he can remember.

And this is where Skyfall seriously missed it’s mark. Gone are the days of awesome cars that could blow up the Empire State building and look amazing in the process, gone are the gadgets that made 007 known for risky escapes that always got the girl with a sex themed name, and to make sure they ripped out your heart to the best of their collective abilities – they replaced Q with a discount James Franco, who couldn’t invent a good excuse for his hairstyle in the movie, let along something useful to 007.

After an hour or so, Cameron and Dustin had a gynecologist appointment to take care of, so I decided to dig in and finish the last 90 minutes of the movie solo. They had been gone for 5 minutes when it happened, it came over me like a torrent of frat boys on a drunk girl… Did they seriously just try and make “James Bond Rises?”

They sure did. Now it all makes sense, and now I know why I am hating this movie. It’s a complete rip off of the “Dark Knight” trilogy, don’t believe me? Wish I would explain what is going on? Scared? Well let me break it down for you:

In Skyfall, James Bond is broken, old, and not up to being 007 even though his country needs him.

Cue the obvious rip off of Bruce Wayne, broken, hiding in his house, not sure if he is able to be Batman, even though his city needs him.

But then, James goes through a workout montage and cuts a bullet fragment out of himself, pretty much the same way Bruce Wayne strapped on a robotic knee brace and kicked a wall and figured “that’ll do”

Still following me here? Good, it gets better.

Now, if you’re a smart person who knows a thing or two about movies then you would understandably be excited to hear Javier Bardem is  “Mr. Silva,” the villain trying to bring down MI6, after “No Country For Old Men” how could you not imagine that to be the perfect person to creep you out and deliver a huge performance? It’s not that he didn’t try, Javier really put all he could into the character, but it was such a weak character to say the least. Imagine the Joker, with bleached blonde hair, and without the menacing psychotic nuances that make him a king.

Mr. Silva is nothing more then a washed down, possibly homosexual, less entertaining version of Heath’s Joker. They even rip off the entire “want to know how I got these scars?” aspect, and gave Mr. Silva a face prosthetic that makes him look normal, even though M threw him into a vat of toxic sludge… no wait… it was a cyanide capsule that ate through his face and gave him those scars…

Now I don’t fully remember about 30 minutes of this movie, mostly because I was constantly saying to myself “Batman… Batman… Oh, Batman did that too..” but somewhere along the line James Bond ends up in a house, that looks like Wayne Manor, and happens to be the home James grew up in. Who does he find in the house? Alfred, I mean.. “Kincaide” (Albert Finney) who is the caretaker of the Bond family home, and mentor to a young James. Another montage of getting ready for a gun fight happens which leads to the ultimately flat ending of the movie.

Javier Bardem dances around like Willem Dafoe in Boondock Saints, throwing grenades into James Bond’s beat up mansion, while Kincaide and M make an escape through a secret tunnel. Not as climactic as leaving Ra’s on a train to plummet to his death, or saving Gordon’s son, and not even close to stopping a neutron bomb from destroying Gotham and faking your own death.

The James Bond movies of the past had great endings, like Goldeneye. 007 drops 006 off a huge satellite tower, then it blows up and spears 006 to finish the job, leaving Bond to finish “debriefing” Natalia at Guantanamo Bay. Tomorrow Never Dies ends with James taking out a stealth ship and fighting torture master Mr. Stamper, then getting down and dirty with a Chinese spy. Octopussy, arguably the best Bond flick, ends with 007 chasing a circus train with a bomb on it, stops the bomb as it ticks to 0 and then caps the day off getting some Octopussy on a boat. Skyfall ends on a rooftop after 007 cries, and that my friends is the death of 007 as we know it.

So, in closing, If you want to see a great movie, with superior acting, depth, futuristic crime fighting gadgets, heroes and villains that you can actually care about and get in to – just watch Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy.

If you enjoy bland tea and crumpets at mid day and don’t want to be entertained, you will love Skyfall. Many people did, but then again many people are collectively stupid.