Battle of the Burnouts: Bieber vs Bynes- by Dustin Brewer

Unbeknownst to them, Amanda Bynes and Justin Bieber are locked in a battle to determine who is crashing harder right now. Thankfully, Dustin is here to break down the breakdowns.

Bieber v Bynes

It’s been a rough week for fans of Amanda Bynes. Earlier this week, the former Nickelodeon darling debuted a new look that makes her look shockingly like Nicki Minaj if you stare long enough. 

Apparently the change is to reflect her foray into her new career as a middle-weight UFC ring girl fashion designer. Famously, Bynes announced her retirement from acting in 2010, a move that surprised many, not just because she was 23 years old at the time, but because people were shocked to hear she was still relevant. She quickly brushed off retirement talks by saying she was merely taking time off. But after two years of absolutely no acting, she retired once more in 2012 to focus on fashion, like the Brett Favre of Hollywood.

Then the trouble started.

  • April 6, 2012- Bynes is arrested for DUI after sideswiping a police car
  • April 10, 2012- Leaving the scene of an accident without giving proper information
  • June 5, 2012- Officially charged with DUI from April 6 incident
  • August 4, 2012- Leaving the scene of an accident without giving proper information (Not a typo, she did the same exact thing again.)
  • September 4, 2012- Charged with two cases of Hit and Run.
  • September 6, 2012- Driver’s License suspended by DMV
  • September 16, 2012- Car impounded after being stopped for driving on a suspended license.

After that, things went static in camp Bynes, until this week when the cheek-pierced, tatted up Bynes re-emerged, launching rampant speculation all over again that she was “spiraling out of control” and in need of help.

That’s pretty impressive, but that’s nothing compared to the shit going on in Justin Bieber’s world these last two weeks. This kid is possibly committing the fastest meltdown this side of Britney’s shaved head.

March 2013-

  • Causes scene outside London nightclub when friends aren’t allowed into his birthday party because they’re under 18.
  • (still in London) Restrained by bodyguard after arguing with a photographer and threating to “f-ing beat the f out of him.” (he really censored himself like that, ok, not really.)
  • (still in London) Shows up 2 hours late for show, audience pissed.
  • (should really be considering leaving London) Faints on stage, rest of show cancelled.
  • Show cancelled due to “logistical issues” (only sold 60% of the venue out, so the show was cancelled, pissing off 60%.)
  • (again, still in London) pet hamster dies, trends worldwide on Twitter as human races loses chunks of self respect.
  • Scoffs at claims he’s going down the ‘Lohan’ road by saying “Check both of our 2012 tax returns, I’m not Lindsay” online, only to delete the post minutes later.

For perspective, it’s been March for 15 days now. How does someone find a way to do something stupid EVERY DAY? Claims are that his entourage has changed a bit over the past few months but this is the type of behavior people have been waiting for since Bieber-fever cooled significantly the last year or two and the pants-sagging, joint smoking Bieber reared its’ head and the younger fans turned a blind eye and continued deifying the young Canadian.

Whether he rises from this or further descends, one thing is for sure; step your game up Bynes.


Dustin Brewer is co-creator of HefferBrew. He still can’t get over the worldwide trend a dead hamster caused and slowly finds his hope in humanity dwindling. Keep up with all your favorite celebrity burnouts on Twitter @HefferBrew or on

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