Cena Wins WWE Title; Everyone Freaks Out

John Cena won the WWE Title at WrestleMania 29 last night, much to everyone’s chagrin.

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Not much surprise struck when John Cena won the WWE Title last night, at WrestleMania 29, over the “electrifying” Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Really, the only surprise was how humbled Cena appeared to be towards the Rock as the two shook hands post-coitus post-match.

Other winners on the night included:

Alberto Del Rio defended his World Heavyweight Championship successfully against xenophobe extraordinaire Jack Swagger.

The Undertaker extended his undefeated streak at ‘Mania to 21-0, pinning former WWE Champion, C.M. Punk.

Team Hell No (Kane and Daniel Bryan) defeated Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston in a WWE Tag-Team Title defense.

The Shield defeated Big Show, Randy Orton and Sheamus in a six-man tag match.

Mark Henry defeated Ryback in a “who will crap their spine out first by lifting one another” match.


And Last, and unfortunately, Fandango (Fan-Dan-Go, say it again, and say it with feeling) defeated once legend turned joke, Chris Jericho.

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