Why Don’t We Just Make Everyone A Hologram – By Cameron Heffernan

“Rock The Bells 2013” is coming, and with that the hologram versions of Eazy-E and Ol’ Dirty Bastard. What could be next for the hologram? Cameron gives his best guesses.


Just look at this set list:

FireShot Screen Capture #001 - 'ROCK THE BELLS 10 YEAR ANNIVERSARY LAUNCH PARTY' - www_rockthebells_netSorry, the screen shot tool I used was a piece of crap. Anyways, you’ve got Kid Cudi, the legendary Jurassic 5, Tyler the Creator, Rakim, Tech N9ne, and of course, Wu-Tang Clan. Now, I know what you’re saying – hell, I said it to myself when I went in 2008. “What is a Wu-Tang concert without Osiris himself, The Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Dirt McGirt if you’re nasty (and if you love the Ol’ Bastard, you are, which is a good thing) ?”

This year the fine folks at “Rock The Bells” have decided, that they’ll give you what you didn’t ask for; an ODB hologram as well as an Eazy-E hologram to-boot.

Like Cochella did last year – I think? I’m a smidgen lazy to actually look that up – with Tupac, “Rock The Bells” looks to garner concert goers by offering someone who’s been long dead and in no way has a right to say yes or no to preforming.

With that in mind let’s take a look at who could be next, and why?

Editor’s note: Eazy-E ? Really? Look, I’m a hip-hop fan, rap fan and a fan of rhyming words about struggle and perseverance behind a fat beat. But Eazy-E is not the one who should be Holo-Headlining (I don’t think that’s a word but it should be). He, yes was a legend, and a pioneer of rap. But, asides from “Dre Day” most of his solo music is just atrocious. I mean really? No Big Pun? No Notorious B.I.G? Eazy-E is what you give us? That’s ice cold, but still interesting enough, so cool, I guess.

  • 100% the next hologram needs to be Selina: The Latin community deserves a hologram. The only thing is whether immigration will consider her an American citizen or not.
  • Any ex-president: I need a Ronald Regan hologram in the Ronald Regan Presidential Library. I needed this like 10 years ago when my eighth grade class took the single most excruciating field-trip there. Field trips were supposed to be fun. I feel the Iran Contra section would have been a lot more compelling if it were told by Holo-Regan.
  • Rock musicians: Just the one who died plays. No living members. Play recorded tracks behind old video, and presto, you have Hendrix live at Isle of White at the Verizon Amphitheater . This would never work with any footage of Jim Morrison. We all know that holographic Jim Morrison penis is something no one wants to see. Except for kinky grandmas, and those are the worst.
  • Why just living or once living things? Porno mags – the next frontier to relevance: Imagine, you’re looking at a Playboy. All you’re thinking is, “damn, I really wish there was a way that this girl was 360-degrees of pud-pounding glory.” well, with Holo-Playboy, it can be. Just imagine, the naked ladies, literally I may add, popping off the page. Not a single man would ever leave the house. EVER AGAIN. Also, imagine if there were prerecorded messages and such.
  • Your dead pet – holograms in the home (non-porno edition): This would just be a sad, sad thing. I understand how people would like this, and even pay top-dollar for it. But there’s nothing more empty and emotionally vapid than Holo-Fido. You wouldn’t be able to pet him, feed him or really love him the way an animal, or any living thing needs love. There would be no messes, no fur everywhere. I mean…. IT WOULD BE A FREAKING UTOPIA. No fur, no attempting to actually have emotion. You can just be the same old steely self you are every day, but with an adorable/chick magnet/Holo-Dog.
  • Your family- Dead or Alive: This is wrong. No one wants dead Holo-Granny strolling around, giving you non-existent $4.76 checks on holidays. Now in terms of being with Holo-Granny over real granny – if she’s a bitch – then more power to you.

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