The Hands Free Whopper – By Cameron Heffernan

This actually happened, and not in America.


Normally, you would think that something this lazy would’ve been given to Burger King Loyalty Program members in the United States. Something that most obese people could use; when lifting your arms becomes too much of a hassle.

Well, this is actually a gift, given to 50 members of the Burger King Loyalty Program in Puerto Rico, according to a report from The hands free device is celebrating the 50th anniversary of the Puerto Rican Burger King.

Thank the sweet heavens this wasn’t given out in the U.S.. Not only the fact that most of America is obese, including myself, but the idea of per say, your tattoo artist could be munching down on a whopper over freshly exposed slightly bleeding skin – the appeal of mayonnaise in an open wound is the same as piss in an open wound, it’s not good.  Then there’s the most extreme example, your surgeon – with your ribs spread open – ends up dropping  a fatty piece of lettuce in your lungs, because the guy who waited eight years for the ability to be a surgeon, can’t wait a few hours till he can eat, when he’s not standing over your wide open cadaver.

It’s always clever when things like this are made (hey! it’s like a harmonica, but with a hamburger) but, when the company making them is the one who makes the abhorrent burger to be put in. It’s kind of like a heroin dealer providing clean needles to the people he’s selling the heroin to. Although nice – the whole clean needle thing – it would be the epitome of enabling. And the last thing this country needs, is more enabling. Well, at least in the realm of, “Lift your F’ing food with F’ing hands, you fat lazy bastards”.

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