By Cameron Heffernan
A New installment of nonsensical observations for every day life.
Like last time, it’ll be a quick list of random things that have run through my mind while during my usual, mundane, routine.
– If you were to put reading glasses on the back of your head, would that make you the intellectual Guy Fieri ?
– In Basketball, Football, Hockey, Baseball, etc., there needs to be a real fan appreciation night. One night, where one fan (of a terrible team, I’m talking bottom of the barrel: Milwaukee Bucks, Charlotte Bobcats/Hornets, Utah Jazz, Houston Texans, Edmonton Oilers, and Houston Astros) selected at random, gets to play either a full game, a single quarter – the fan chooses – in the actual game, most likely at the end of the season. They get a month to train or whatever, and they get a quarter or a full game to play with a shitty team. Imagine all the revenue you could pull in with this… Or the horrifying lawsuits that will follow when someone dies from being dunked on/tackled/boarded/pegged in the head with a fastball. Oh, and the failure of this everyman will be hilarious or enlightening.
– One of my biggest fears? Taking a dump and a earthquake hits, like a 7.0-9.0, big motherfucker. What do you do? Especially if you’re in mid-wipe. Imagine, if you’re still in the process of pooping you can just get up and run, no problem. When you’re mid-wipe, you have priorities, and I can guarantee, in my case, my brain is for sure going to want to finish wiping. It’s just one of those things, I’d rather have a clean ass than life.
– Cucumbers are natures way of making men uncomfortable. You’ll probably never match up to a cucumber, and it’s a goddamn vegetable. I mean, they taste like dirty water, are kind of useless and are usually the worst part of a salad. Bananas are cool though, they delicious.
– I used to ponder, “the Girnch would’ve been 100% better if it ended like five minutes early.” Then, one day on the internet, I came across some fan theory, that made it so much better that he brings the presents back. They entirety of the Who’s had accepted the lack of presents, and how that wasn’t what Christmas was about. Then, the Grinch mobs in with the presents, with his heart two-sizes-too-big, and makes everyone that much happier. Like nothing ever happened, right? Wrong. That evil motherfucker realized, if you inject the consumerism back into the Whovians (go fuck yourself if you have anything to say about that word applying to Dr. Who.), they’ve forgotten the lesson they learned and now have resorted to the presents being the most important. He found a way to kill the real meaning of Christmas to the Whovians, while also infiltrating their ranks and making sure all Christmases from then on mean shit. The Grinch is modern business everyone. You thought this shit was about family? Fuck no. Presents rule all.
– You telling me your sign doesn’t make you any less of a shitty human being. Just saying. You can fathom all the excuses you want for your “straight-forwardness”, but you’re really just an asshole, it’s not cause you’re a Virgo, or Pisces, or whatever the fuck. Trust me, I’m the same way, but I just own my assholishness. I don’t need some old-world bullshit ideals for my excuses.