By Cameron Heffernan
Yet again, a few humorous (or humorless) observations on everyday life, from a pessimist.
– Sex gels are really only applicable after like three weeks of dating. You really can’t be busting out KY “warming sensation”, when it’s the first date and she was already hesitant to invite you “up for a cup of tea”. Imagine, you’re just letting someone into your life and the more personal side of you, and their only response is, “hey, wanna do butt stuff, I got this lube so it won’t hurt.” It’s just not a good ice breaker.
– I hope people stop saying we didn’t go to the moon. Since China recently pulled it off, do we really want to be second fiddle to them in, yet again, something else? Hell no, this is America, we’re number one in everything from polluting water supplies and keeping it all very hush-hush, to basketball. So, keep your Kennedy conspiracies, but please, for the sake of our national awesomeness, we were the first on the moon.
– I know the law: The pedestrian has the right away. Now, I say this, “the two ton machine of doom has the right away. Especially if you’re one of those shit-head-wannabe-Lance Armstrong fucks.”
– The ability to check in on social media sites is the worst. And not cause of the sheer uselessness. More because, you don’t know who the hell is out there to kill you. Or steal your cheese, everyone is out for your fine cheeses.
– If there’s ever a female president, she will be assassinated within hours of election, by another woman. 100% due to the crippling disease known as “A Woman’s Jealousy”.
– Werewolf Jeff Foxworthy: “You might be a werewolf: If you find yourself covered in blood after any full moon.”
“You might be a werewolf: If your penis is covered in fur on a full moon.”
This joke might need some work. And it’s all really full-moon sensitive.
– What if Facebook/Instagram/Twitter never existed: Would everyone take selfies with disposable cameras, get them developed and then create a selfie-scrapbook that you show your friends at the end of the year? We all missed out on scrapbook parties because of social media, this is your sad existence now.
– If non-pharmaceutical drugs became legal in America: Would drug dealers be able to unionize and have benefits? If only there was some sort of system in play where medical care was a universally accessible thing and people, no matter what they did for a living, had healthcare. If only…