By Cameron Heffernan

We bring you all the big E3 previews from the comfort of our couches. (We weren’t invited cause we’re not cool enough).

E3 kicked off with blunt force trauma to the skulls of all gamers world wide, as they usually do, with giant announcements at the annual Electronics Expo.

Were you interested in the game-play of the upcoming Batman game? Were you wondering if there was ever going to be another Uncharted? Well, the beautiful people at E3 decided to answer these questions, and more. Unfortunately, some of those “more” are a new Zelda (sorry, I know it’s universally loved, but I’m done with that little elf-bish.), more crap for Destiny and the closest you’ve gotten to a dick/vagina-tease with the new Doom trailer (it’s great, I just want more than a reveal. I want chunks and death.).

Uncharted 4:

After three I thought it was all done. I don’t know why. I know how this industry works, and if it makes money, it never stops. Uncharted has been a non-stop thrill ride since the first. Three was a masterpiece. Visually, so far, four looks like real life, with old Nathan Fillion’s voice over young Fillion’s body. This seems like a classic tale of an old thief looking for that final score. Which is all good and fine as long as that “captured on a PS4” shit means the final product, in-game, will look like this.

Rise of The Tomb Raider:

Therapy just isn’t enough. Running the business end of an arrow through some dudes head for your tomb raiding endeavors, is just enough. Without much in-game, and very little info other than the usual hullabaloo, we can assume this is post Tomb Raider reboot, and that our hero is now on a rampage of raiding that would make Indiana Jones quiver like a baby.

Batman: Arkham Knight:

When you were playing Batman: Arkham City, and Arkham Origins, was the only thing you could think was, “man, this would be next level if I could go HAM in the Batmobile and tear up the streets of Gotham, while dispersing justice like a lion, hell bent on tearing apart a gazelle.” Well, this is that god damn game for you. The graphics look sexy, the premise is probably Batman vs. the world and now you can tear ass in the Batmobile.

Far Cry 4:

With a ton of controversy behind it’s reveal poster, we finally get to see the actual product behind all the fuss. And…. It looks like all the other Far Cries but with the graphics most have been enjoying on PC (the origin platform for the game.). It’s great that they made Far Cry in a mountain, but that doesn’t make this game anything special. Just another really pretty first-person shooter.

Speaking of, I’m just gonna run through a few of those here with no description. Just the preview, cause I have a bias against FPSs (I apologize for that, but after 25 years of playing video games, it’s become a task in repetition with those types of games.).

Destiny:

Battlefield: Hardline:

Halo: Master Chief Collectio:

Homefront 2: The Revolution:

Doom:

As you can see, Doom may not be close to done, and may even not be close to beta – even though they dropped beta codes in Wolfenstein: The New Order. Either way, it’s Doom. And, no matter how repetitive, how old and how stupid it is. It will always be better than Call of Duty, Battlefield and anything else that tries to take the throne.

Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain:

The following comes with great personal bias: This game is A. The origins of Outer Haven. B. Going to be amazing. C. Going to make up for the underwhelming prologue: Ground Zeroes. And D. We will get young Snake in this one – most likely the one pointing a red-dot sight at big boss on the helicopters. I would love to wax poetic on this one. But, patience is a virtue I learned to exert with the Metal Gear series a long time ago. This game is going to be fucking amazing.

Assassins Creed: Unity:

The Reign of Terror. Just what I was looking for in this game. Everyone who was an aristocrat or a disgrace to the state or even a little too religious, was beheaded. France was a George R.R. Martin novel during this period and nothing more makes sense then to stage an Assassins Creed.  It looks like much of the same with a few tweaks here and there. Unity looks to continue the theme of change that started with Assassins Creed 4: Black Flag. No pirates this time, though.

Dead Island 2:

Appears to be the same game as Dead Island, but now set in Southern California. An RPG survival-horror game with a tedious amount of “do-this mundane task that isn’t killing zombies or having fun, to get a generator on and move to the next level,” bullshit. Trailer is cool, I wouldn’t expect anything other than a shiny turd.

Star Wars Battlefront 3: 

Here’s a look into the development of Star Wars Battlefront 3. One of the only games to make out of Disney’s Michael Corleone-ing of the good Star Wars games that were supposed to come out. Oh, and to count for all those people who thought Disney getting Star Wars was a good idea. 1: They’ve cast one other woman than Leia in the new movie. Making it two whole women in the next movie – neither if which will probably matter cause Abrams only makes movies for men, by men. 2: They cancelled the Boba Fett game and the Darth Maul game. And 3: It’s fucking Disney, what did you expect them to do?

Bloodborne:

I’m not too sure on this one. It has a flashy trailer, but then again so did Avatar. It has a sword and zombies/dragons/some shit I don’t even know. All I know is that they took the skin for the world in Thief and made it into the world for this trailer. The clock tower in Thief and this are identical. Either way, we’ll keep our ear to the floor for more on this when it comes out.

Mortal Kombat X:

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Just watch it and drool at the upcoming fatalities.

And here’s the bullshit Nintendo stuff:

The New Legend of Zelda:

And then some crap and Star Fox:

Just think of some words you’d want to hear about Nintendo and these two titles and you have the little blurb that would go here. I, like the rest of most gamers, are just done with Nintendo and their bullshit. Sorry.

And that concludes the first day of E3 from our couch. Tomorrow we’ll have more, as well as possible stories from the E3 Ubisoft Lounge. Something we got into, but may be a little too busy to get to. Check back though you sexy beasts.