By Dustin Brewer
Attention world: We here at HefferBrew are on a mission: we want to make contact with Nicolas Cage and then work with him to create the greatest movie ever. We’ve got the ideas, read on and then help us make this happen.
Dear Nicholas Cage,
Hey there, big fans. We are writing you because after we watched your film “Stolen,” we became convinced that the only thing we wanted to do is create a movie with you. A lot of people say you make too many movies and that none of them are good anymore, but we think they’re just missing the point. We can see that you’re just interested in having fun and making movies, if the offers are coming in and you have the time, why say no? We get it.
So what we’re suggesting here is an unprecedented collaboration; we want to make a movie with you. But not just make it in the traditional sense of “point the cameras, get the shots, edit ’em and call it a day,” we want to start at square one. Let’s make this a custom Nicolas Cage film in every sense of the word. Included below are a list of potential plots for these films, you can pick one of these, we can work on an idea you’ve always had kicking around or we can come up with one together, but the point is, we’re going to make sure that from day one, page one, this is a film that is going to play to your strengths and give you the vehicle you deserve.
- You play an obsessive compulsive hoarder. Your collections are ruining your relationships with your family and friends. They love you and you love them, but are you willing to give up your…. Nic Knacks.
- You’ve just met the woman of your dreams, but you’re cursed to never grow old in…. Cageless.
- You’re just a simple man from Louisiana, but you might just be the greatest Creole chef in the world in….. Cage’n Cookin.
- You and your son are scuba diving off the coast of the Bahamas and you’ve just found the City of Atlantis in…. Nico-lost City.
- You have 24 hours to find a bomb before a major city is destroyed, but first, you have to get a handle on your out of control anger issues in….. Rage Cage.
- You’re an astronaut on a mission gone awry….. Space Cage.
- A group of terrorists are ready to execute the President. Only you, a reluctant ex Special Forces op who doesn’t live that life anymore can save him. You’re the…. Nico-last Resort.
- For a time, you were the best racer in the business, now a young hotshot thinks he’s got what it takes to dethrone the….. Cagey Veteran
- Your son and you haven’t spoken since the accident. Now you’ve been told he’s heading down a dark path, it’s up to you to help him deal with….. Coming of C’age.
- Anything goes in sin city….. Viva Las Cage-as.
- Two women are madly in love with you, how do you choose? Sounds like a….. Cager Dillema.
- Your youngest daughter is getting married… to someone you’ve had issues with in the past….. EnCAGEd.
So please, take a look at these and consider our offer. We believe that if we work together, we could create something Hollywood has never seen before. We look forward to hearing from you because we believe this could be the start of something special.
Dustin Brewer and HefferBrew
P.S.- The first time I saw “Con Air” was at 4am one night. I woke up the next morning and thought it was a dream and didn’t really exist. You can probably guess how stoked I was to find that it does exist.
If you or a friend know someone that knows Nic Cage or you yourself are Nic Cage and are reading this, please, pass this along or contact us. We’d love to at least get the chance to meet and discuss this in person. Lunch is on us, we know where to go for some good burritos.