“‘Manliness’ Is The Worst”: Screw You And This Beard Trend

By Cameron Heffernan

Commentary on why the trend of men with beards is dumb and does nothing but prolong the idea that “machismo” is a good thing.

From high-mania.com
From high-mania.com

I have lived with a beard for the better part of 13 years. I’m 26 now, and I started having the ability to grow a beard when I was 13. That’s basic math. Recently, there has been a rise on the internet for those who have decided to turn their facial hair into not only a fashion statement, but a statement on their manhood.

That, a naked face is the equivalent of a baby’s face, and that a baby’s face is nothing for a “man” to have.

I have felt like a “man” since I obtained the ability to think on my feet, make rational decision and be a basic human being. Some may call this, as I stated previously, being a “man” – the unknowing dip-shit who thinks men are the true bearers of the future being the “some” in this situation. I call it being a functional human being, and something women are able to do too. Being a “man” that is. Someone who is able to define themselves by his or her real accomplishments in life, and not something that just so happens to grow from ones face.

This is the problem with the beard trend. It isn’t an accomplishment. You’re ability to brush and be lazy, isn’t per say, on the level of going to school for seven years to be a doctor, or scaling K-2. You being lazy, and growing your beard to annoying proportions is just a byproduct of you being shitty. A “flavor savor” is a disgusting thing; the idea of all the crap that could be caught up in it; it’s nappy appeal; it’s all disgusting and something we shouldn’t be rewarding with women swooning over the want for a bearded man – something that will change in a year or less. When women come to their senses and realize how uncomfortable and annoying beards are.

There shouldn’t be a reward at all. Beards are a lazy thing. Trust me. As I said, I’ve been at this for 13 years. They’re annoying and irritating on the skin to keep up, and at some point you say “fuck it,” and stop trying. You find it easier to just brush it and shampoo it occasionally to keep it from being a complete trap for your daily meals and other such things. It’s not like training for the Olympics, or any form of rigorous training – as they’d like you to believe by the competitions bearded folk hold. I get it, it looks cool, but adding some wax to overgrown facial hair is about as hard as adding grease to anything and forming it; relatively easy if you have hands.

Then there’s the annoying trend of people wanting to put shit in your beard. Recently kicking the hornets nest of the internet was this pictorial of men that had Christmas shit put in their beard. This was the catalyst of me writing all this. I was fed up. We’re not a side show attraction, and the only people making us that, are ourselves. We’ve betrayed ourselves and the once sacred order of people who could obtain, and look good, with a beard (bearded ladies included). There used to be a code, a reason you had your beard. You were an intellectual, who had a well kept-tamed beard, and who didn’t have time for that thing, but had time for a trim. then you have the cold-weather beard, and the homeless beard. Two that grew from necessity. The final was the lazy beard. This is the class I belong too. It’s a pain in the ass to shave and I just so happen to be able to pull it off without looking like a vagrant.


Above is what I’m talking about. You want to think these guys don’t look like vagrants who’ve lost their mind and are now luring children with their decorative beards. The truth is, they DO look like vagrants who have lost their mind and are now luring children with their decorative beards.

Turning our attention to another point that the beard culture brings along: Machismo. The awful and unneeded backbone of most the feuding, jealousy and hatred between men.

Machismo is a dangerous thing. It’s something we think ALL women are looking for, when maybe 10% (rough estimate) of women are looking for some overbearing macho dick. The rest looking for a veritable grab bag of personal traits.

That’s what machismo creates though. In all honesty there has to be a correlation between testosterone and people being genuine assholes. I looked for research and couldn’t find any. Probably due to the fact that, and this is assumed, every test ended with the tester pissing off said “asshole” with too many questions, and getting punched.

Machismo is what leads to trust in a relationship being broken, delusions of grandeur and a whole litany of background noise that creates the appalling patriarchy we slop around in today. I’m not laying all that on beards, but the assholes who post about how manly their beards are, are apart of an overarching problem women and a lot of others have to deal with. Made to feel lesser because our ability to do something they, socially and sometimes physically, can’t do.

“…the male beard communicates an heroic image of the independent, sturdy, and resourceful pioneer, ready, willing and able to do manly things.” – Beards.org

That to me stinks of a bunch of men trying to fight off the fact that they just may be normal. Like the rest of us.

That’s my issue with all this. We’re putting beards on a pedestal they don’t belong on. And in congruency we’re furthering the ideal that perceived manliness is something good for society. When in actuality it’s what has kept women and most of society down.

So celebrate your beard. Just don’t make the rest of us a side show with you. Some of us would like to keep our beards to ourselves and not be viewed as someone who belongs to some specific sect of “manliness”; subsequently being grouped in with tools, who either represent some lazy millennial ideal,  or are some last bastion of an old-world ideal that’s kept the better of humanity in a dark hole.

2 responses to ““‘Manliness’ Is The Worst”: Screw You And This Beard Trend”

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