After years away, it’s the triumphant return of Saturday Afternoon Wrestling. Dustin celebrates this occasion by watching one of the worst matches of recent memory, Goldberg vs. The Undertaker at WWE’s Super Showdown in Saudi Arabia from earlier this year.
Alright guys, this one is not going to be pretty but at least it’s going to be quick.
Wait? This match is 22 minutes long? 22 minutes?!
The fact that WWE was like let’s take two wrestlers who’s combined age is 106 years old and make them the main event of an already heavily scrutinized and controversial show should tell you everything you need to know about the current state of the company. Anyways, back to the match.
0:00-2:25- Ok cool, two and a half minutes spent on the video package hyping the match. Then I remember that it’s Goldberg and the Undertaker and that these two entrances are probably going to be like another 8-9 minutes.
2:26-3:00- Goldberg, surprisingly very over with the fans in Saudi Arabia.
3:01-3:05- I have two thoughts about that just happened and neither of them are very flattering for Mr. Berg:
- He headbutted the door before opening it because he was so amped.
- He got so excited and ahead of himself that he literally forgot how to open the door and walked into it.
3:06-6:20- This entrance would be so much more impressive if I could focus on literally anything except the bloody dot on his forehead from where he headbutted the door.
6:21-10:05- I’ll never get tired of an Undertaker entrance. I don’t care how old he looks. I don’t care how long it takes. I’m popping for that gong 100% of the time.
10:06-11:09- Like we need an announcer to tell us who these two are. Do you think the referee was like “Guys, this is your last chance. We don’t have to do this. There’s still time to stop before we start. No? Alright, ring the bell and don’t kill each other.”
11:10-11:41- WOW! What action right from the bell. Lol I’m kidding. They’re standing and staring each other down. Intensely.
11:42-11:47- Ooh Goldberg did the Undertaker’s thing!
11:48-12:03- Goldberg explodes with 2 spears that look like Undertaker landed wrong and that they most likely hurt an awful lot. Is Goldberg going to squash Taker like he has done to opponents all throughout his career?
12:04-12:07- Lol nope. That would be too easy.
12:08-12:28- They look pretty winded already. Probably not a good sign.
12:29-12:40- “Grab my neck and try to chokeslam me and I’ll use my brute strength to break your grip and counter it.” – Probably sounded way better in the meeting.
12:41-13:15- Again, just a few thoughts here:
- Goldberg locked in a submission that looked like if my girlfriend had a long day at work on her feet and needed a foot massage.
- Bless the Undertaker for still selling that foot rub submission like it was excruciating.
- Who’s idea was it to have Goldberg of all people attempt a submission? I don’t think of submission specialist and technical wrestling master when I think of Goldberg.
- Undertaker was so clearly right next to the ropes. Hat’s off to the camera man and the announce crew for switching angles and making it seem like he really had to dig.
13:16-13:31- Did you think we were in the middle of a mess before? Well buckle up gang because this is about to get 1000 times harder to watch.
13:32-14:00- So Goldberg went so hard into the corner that he launched himself into the ring post. This busted his head open and gave him a severe concussion. Realistically, there’s no good reason the match shouldn’t have been stopped right here but either the checks need cashing, or he’s committed to delivering for the fans. Either way, I respect it. It’s stupid and as we’re going to see in a few moments, extremely dangerous for everyone involved, but I respect it.
14:01-14:20- “Goldberg’s wife and son here are not going to want to watch this.” Knowing that he’s actually concussed, seeing him having difficulties standing on his own two feet and hearing Renee Young say that his family are there just makes this so much sadder.
14:21-15:15- What starts as plodding offense, it’s actually pretty impressive that Undertaker can still get up on the top-rope and hit that Old School move.
15:16-15:36- “Goldberg wisely back to the ropes.” Well Michael Cole, that’s a good way to spin it.
15:37-15:50- That chokeslam is extremely impressive. Goldberg is out and basically no-sells it because he has no idea where he is. So, Taker has to lift him with his own brute strength. Which also explains why he has that look on his face afterwards too.
15:51-16:10- As impressive as the chokeslam was is how unimpressive this tombstone is. He literally does the one thing you’re not supposed to do when performing a tombstone piledriver. Whether that’s because Goldberg couldn’t react quick enough or because Taker was just worn out is up for debate.
16:11-16:25- “Goldberg kicked out and Undertaker can’t believe it!” translates to “Goldberg kicked out and Undertaker is relieved that he has the use of all his extremities!”
16:26-17:05- “Hey, I’m gonna hit you a few times but then let’s do that spot where we collide with each other and both lay out in the center of the ring because I need a minute.”
17:06-17:39- Somehow a 30-second break just doesn’t seem like enough.
17:40-18:17- You know how in the WWE 2K video games the animations just aren’t quite fully lifelike? Like the way the characters run and execute moves is just slightly slow and delayed? This sequence to me is like if a 2K match came to life.
18:18-18:35- Bill please don’t do it.
18:36-18:39- Please Bill we’re begging you. Don’t do this.
18:40-18:50- “Goldberg didn’t get all of it.” Is a good way to gloss over that he just dropped Undertaker on his head with a move that looks nothing like the Jackhammer.
18:51-19:03- “Taker kicked out before the count of 3!” Is less surprise that he kicked out and more excitement that he is not paralyzed for life.
19:04-19:23- Please Bill stop. Don’t try it again.
19:24-19:30- Even worse. Guys, don’t go for that ‘I’ll try to hit the tombstone but then you flip over and pick me up into it’ finish. In a match full of close calls, this is one of the riskiest moves by far.
19:31-19:39- Again, Undertaker, 54, somehow just deadlifting Goldberg up for a chokeslam even after everything in this match. Just unbelievably impressive.
19:40-19:43- 3? Is that a 3?! This is over? They made it out alive? Ok good! Yay Undertaker. Can you both go get checked out in the back now?
19:44-19:47- This is definitely the face of disappointment:
19:48-20:45- A+ work by the cameraman whose job it was to stay in tight on the Undertaker and keep Goldberg being checked by multiple officials and medics out of frame.
20:46-22:00- Undertaker still looks pretty disappointed and angry but hey, there’s pyro to shoot off and a show to end. Being the professional he is, he drops to that knee, hits the poses and sends that crowd home happy. Confused, concerned for the health of both men, but happy.
While you would think that this was the last match of both of their careers, boy would you be wrong. Undertaker returned a few months later to team with Roman Reigns in a tag match and Goldberg came back to squash Dolph Ziggler. Both men looked 1000x better in those matches as they looked to redeem themselves from this unfortunate main event clash.
Dustin Brewer is a freelance writer and co-editor at HefferBrew. Follow him on Twitter and be sure to stay tuned to HefferBrew for future installments of Saturday Afternoon Wrestling.